back to my old ways ...😥🔫

i lost it. i dont know what came over me. i sat there starting at a picture of him right next to my blade. i paced back and forth for hours. i didnt want to do it. i had no intensions on hurting myself. i stopped pacing in an instance. i grabbed my phone and went to his instagram. thats awesome. i lean against my wall and drop to the floor. almost as quick as a dime. tears poor down my face like niagria falls. another post about me. now he wants me to slit my throat. well i should do what he wants right? cause i owe him this satisfactory. i grab the blade , put it to my skin ,and the blood starts rushing along with my tears. its sick to say the pain is fading. but then he texts me. saying im a stalker and a hoe and i will never have a second chance with him . im pushed to the edge. i move the blade from my leg to the scar on my stomach, from an appendix removal. i push the blade down into my skin and move it from one side to another. the blood from my open stomach wound drips down and meets with the previous cuts on my leg. i then move to my wrist and create 3 more gashes the size of my pinky. i keep going all the way up to my neck. i put the blade to my neck. it stays there as i stay there, thinking would it be best if i wasnt around. if i was dead would jacobs life be easier? would he stop hurting people due to my past actions? would he care if i was dead? i put the blade down when my bestfriend since third grade texted me. she saw the picture and she told me she loved me. she told me to put the blade down and stop thinking im the reason this world is messed up. i did exactly that. the thoughts still linger. im covered in scars. i still want to die. im just done. i dont see this ever getting better. its been 7months and im still a suicidal girl . 

i want to leave

Jacob ....

i miss him . my ex . jacob . the name haunts me . it lingers like the smell of a dead sole. which is exactly what i am. just another dead sole in the grave. but back to him. we met in the beggining of 8th grade. 6'2 tall, brown hair, and the love of my life. when i met him i knew he was different. the butterflies i got,the nervousness in my heart. i wanted him to be mine. jacob + savannah. it sounds good right ? i thought we would be together for the long run. we had plans of getting married and what to name our children. i was in love. my heart ached at the site of him. i still dont understand how i ruined it. i love him so much yet im the one that ended things . isnt that twisted ? well doesnt matter now. hes turned into my bully. jacob whitby , status quo: bully . never thought id see the day. he bullies me and i still cnt help but love him . i thought the days of summer would bring ease to my wrist and thighs but it hasnt. i see him everywhere. i cry everynoght. it literally is killing me knowing that he hates me so much .