back to my old ways ...😥🔫

i lost it. i dont know what came over me. i sat there starting at a picture of him right next to my blade. i paced back and forth for hours. i didnt want to do it. i had no intensions on hurting myself. i stopped pacing in an instance. i grabbed my phone and went to his instagram. thats awesome. i lean against my wall and drop to the floor. almost as quick as a dime. tears poor down my face like niagria falls. another post about me. now he wants me to slit my throat. well i should do what he wants right? cause i owe him this satisfactory. i grab the blade , put it to my skin ,and the blood starts rushing along with my tears. its sick to say the pain is fading. but then he texts me. saying im a stalker and a hoe and i will never have a second chance with him . im pushed to the edge. i move the blade from my leg to the scar on my stomach, from an appendix removal. i push the blade down into my skin and move it from one side to another. the blood from my open stomach wound drips down and meets with the previous cuts on my leg. i then move to my wrist and create 3 more gashes the size of my pinky. i keep going all the way up to my neck. i put the blade to my neck. it stays there as i stay there, thinking would it be best if i wasnt around. if i was dead would jacobs life be easier? would he stop hurting people due to my past actions? would he care if i was dead? i put the blade down when my bestfriend since third grade texted me. she saw the picture and she told me she loved me. she told me to put the blade down and stop thinking im the reason this world is messed up. i did exactly that. the thoughts still linger. im covered in scars. i still want to die. im just done. i dont see this ever getting better. its been 7months and im still a suicidal girl .